Francis: We get in through the underground railway system here…up through to St Paul’s Cathedral here… and the place where tourists wait for buses, take photos and have their sandwiches is here. Having pitched our tents, we inform the Dean that we are the 99% and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?
Xerxes: What exactly are the demands?
Reg: We’re giving them two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Capitalist State and if they don’t agree immediately we start up the acoustic guitar-led singalong.
Matthias: Out of tune?
Francis: Completely, we add a tambourine, harmonica or pan pipe every hour on the hour… show them we’re not to be trifled with.
Reg: Also, we’re demanding a ten foot mahogany statue of George Osborne with his cock hanging out while he snorts coke through a five hundred euro note.
Stan: What? They’ll never agree to that, Reg.
Reg: That’s just a bargaining counter. And of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when we start cooking a lentil casserole, and… that we shall not submit to blackmail.
Omnes: (Applause) No blackmail!
Reg: They’ve bled us white, the bastards. They’ve taken everything we had, not just from us, from our fathers and from our fathers’ fathers.
Stan: And from our fathers’ fathers’ fathers.
Stan: And from our fathers’ fathers’ fathers’ fathers.
Reg: All right, Stan. Don’t labour the point. And what have they ever given us in return?
Xerxes: North Face outdoor gear.
Reg: Oh yeah, yeah they gave us that. Yeah. That’s true.
Masked Activist: And the nice tents from Millets!
Stan: Oh yes… Millets, Reg, you remember what camping used to be like.
Reg: All right, I’ll grant you that the GoreTex and Millets are two things that the Capitalists have done…
Matthias: And the roads…
Reg: (sharply) Well yes obviously the roads… the roads go without saying. But apart from the microfibre fleeces, the nice tents and the roads…
Another Masked Activist: Irrigation…
Other Masked Voices: Medicine… Education… Health…
Reg: Yes… all right, fair enough…
Activist Near Front: And the Starbucks…
Omnes: Oh yes! True!
Francis: Yeah. That’s something we’d really miss if the Capitalists left, Reg.
Masked Activist at Back: The Olympics!
Stan: And it’s safe to walk in the streets at night now.
Francis: Yes, they certainly know how to keep order…(general nodding)… let’s face it, they’re the only ones who could in a place like this.
(more general murmurs of agreement)
Reg: All right… all right… but apart from better wet weather gear and tents and education and irrigation and public health and roads and innovative coffee-based drinks and the Olympics and public order… what have the Capitalists done for us?
Xerxes: Brought iPads!
Reg: (very angry, he’s not having a good meeting at all) What!? Oh… (scornfully) iPads, yes… shut up! (has anyone got a charger?)